Saturday, December 24, 2005

What a year

I'm not always the most articulate person, certainly not as articulate as some of you, my friends. I know this. But I do have a lot of thoughts circling around in this head of mine. I've come to realize that this clicky clacky noise of my fingers on this keyboard isn't nearly as therapeudic as speaking one to one with an actual person, but, it will have to do this time.

This time of year tends to be a reflective time for lots of us and I am no different (at least in that regard) than others. This past year has been very challenging to me in many respects and very rewarding too. Here are a few of the 'highlights'.

I spent 15 days with two of my brothers...15 solid days! Did you guys realize that that was the first time that's happened since I was 10 years old...that we'd spent that much time together?? I learned a lot about two men that I have always called my big brothers...and now I know why that's why I always called them that. They love me like big brothers do. And I love them.

My son and I have had a hard year. It makes me cry just to write that. I don't know if there's a way to classify this kind of pain. To say that it's deep is just not inclusive enough. It gives me a whole new understanding of how sweet God's love for me is. Before Jesus bridged the gap, my relationship with my Father was broken. I thought I didn't need Him. He was the last thing I wanted. He kept chasing me in gentle strength until I couldn't stand it anymore. We're tight and He! I love Him for that. He's helping me pursue my son the same way now.

A friend of mine killed himself this summer. Another friend died three weeks after she sold her business 'to live the good life'. They both left spouses behind that I also call friend. I've learned that being a man that cries easily isn't as much of a curse as I used to think it was. I've learned that prayer needn't be elaborate. And that when my heart goes out to someone it somehow gets returned to sender, so I do it more freely.

I've been on both ends of painful silence this year. I have hurt people that I love dearly. I have been hurt by people I love dearly. I hate silence between people. It's true..."the truth shall set you free." I'm finding I can handle anything you say to me, I deserve to be told. I can't handle when you say nothing to me, I don't deserve to be ignored. Okay, so maybe now I'm venting...

I started this here little blog thanks to an encouraging friend. I've made new friends this year and re-hooked up with others. (hey, it's my blog, shut up! I know it's not good grammar! :) I've screwed up millions of times. I've been forgiven EVERY time! I've seem my baby off to college. I've never been quite so proud. in my life!

I know that I'm just little, but I'm going to light my candle and run into the dark as long as I can.
Jesus is my light.....Happy Christmas to you all!!

from me.


Anonymous said...

John, Got your xmas VM. thank you. Merry Christmas to you John. Your year has been a hard a part of it....I feel some of what you feel. Mark

Steph said...

I'm sorry about the silence I've allowed to premeate our relationship and how inaccessible I've been. A transgender operation can be tiring and has left me with very little motivation to share. My sponsor says that in time I will open up and learn to accept the new me. Thanks for sharing the journey with me. You're the best kind of friend.

Steph said...

Did I actually say, "premeate?" I meant permeate. I really did need that change if I ever hoped to be literate.

freeman said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Lady Lauren said...

Hi John. I've just recently stumbled across your blog, and I'm glad your writing it. I find it/you very interesting and endearing.

You opened by saying that you are not the most articulate person, so I just wanted to point out how incredibly well written and poignant these lines are: "I'm finding I can handle anything you say to me, I deserve to be told. I can't handle when you say nothing to me, I don't deserve to be ignored." These words resonated with me because there is so much truth and relevancy in them. There's a sense of poetry in the pregnant simplicity of the phrasing. Well done.