Sunday, August 26, 2007

Loose Change

Well, as you can tell I've changed back to my old template. For some reason I do feel it's a little bit more 'me'. OR maybe it's just that I'm not good with change. Oh sure I change my socks, my underwear, my furniture positions, sometimes I'll even paint a room, but really? No matter how much you change the accoutrements there are some things that never change. Things on the inside.

I found this out last weekend at my class reunion. I mean, I was aware of it before then, but it just reminded me of the fact again.

In high school I wasn't what you'd call a wall flower. No, I was more like a fly perched on the wall flower. Yeah. I was invisible. Partly because I was extremely shy and partly because of what I thought then was my Christianity. I thought I was supposed to be different so I acted different than everyone else. I didn't realize until later in my life that the difference should have come from a true love of those around me (that would have been an outstanding difference) rather than merely behaving in a way that made me odd. But I was odd. I know I was. High school can be an awfully painful and awkward experience even when you're 'normal', but not being interested in being normal caused me some deep pain. I thought loneliness was just a byproduct of my faith. Like a badge of honor from God. It was all a bunch of religious bullshit I tried to convince myself was true so I wouldn't hurt so bad. There was no love involved in it. And where there's no love there's no God because God IS Love.

I was reminded of this a week ago when my classmates of old collectively and unknowingly rubbed up against my loneliness scar. The one I'd painted over, changed, rearranged, but really? Never changed.

Yeah. I've changed my template back. This one just seems more 'me'.