Sunday, August 26, 2007

Loose Change

Well, as you can tell I've changed back to my old template. For some reason I do feel it's a little bit more 'me'. OR maybe it's just that I'm not good with change. Oh sure I change my socks, my underwear, my furniture positions, sometimes I'll even paint a room, but really? No matter how much you change the accoutrements there are some things that never change. Things on the inside.

I found this out last weekend at my class reunion. I mean, I was aware of it before then, but it just reminded me of the fact again.

In high school I wasn't what you'd call a wall flower. No, I was more like a fly perched on the wall flower. Yeah. I was invisible. Partly because I was extremely shy and partly because of what I thought then was my Christianity. I thought I was supposed to be different so I acted different than everyone else. I didn't realize until later in my life that the difference should have come from a true love of those around me (that would have been an outstanding difference) rather than merely behaving in a way that made me odd. But I was odd. I know I was. High school can be an awfully painful and awkward experience even when you're 'normal', but not being interested in being normal caused me some deep pain. I thought loneliness was just a byproduct of my faith. Like a badge of honor from God. It was all a bunch of religious bullshit I tried to convince myself was true so I wouldn't hurt so bad. There was no love involved in it. And where there's no love there's no God because God IS Love.

I was reminded of this a week ago when my classmates of old collectively and unknowingly rubbed up against my loneliness scar. The one I'd painted over, changed, rearranged, but really? Never changed.

Yeah. I've changed my template back. This one just seems more 'me'.


Lori said...

You have to be who you are because no matter where we go in life, we always take "us" with us....if that makes sense!

I'm not sure who ever said that high school is the best time of your life...because it isn't (And if it is for some people, isn't that sad as there is so much life beyond those years). It can be such a difficult time and kids can really be so mean. Though I loved school and had a lot of friends, there were still times I felt the odd man out because I felt different inside. I never wanted to be a follower and do the 'in' thing, but wondered, instead, why there weren't more kids like me.

Pete Vander Meulen said...

Hey, you're back to normal.

Well if your back is to normal, what direction is the rest of you facing? Is that why they call them the abs?

There oughta be a name other than reunion for the get-togethers of oldsters mimicking ghosts of the past. 'Re-enactments' might work; 'Gapology Night' or "shoulda - didn't; couldn't now" or 'A Night of Ifonliness'.

Great insight about the different kinds of differences. It seems so tough to find ourselves when the definition of losing ourselves in something (or someone) else hangs around our psyche like a [bad]charm necklace. One of your battles was on Fulton St in high school; most of us can continue to name others.

What's changed is that yours is a scar that gets irritated not a scab that re-opens the wound. Wear it well and remind others of the improvement in the way it looks today versus the way it looked back then.


Anonymous said...


You don't say where you went to high school??

Some people who consider themselves wall flowers or in your case, a 'fly on the wall flower' steer clear of their class reunions. You also stated that you were invisible. Were you remembered and greeted warmly? I hope so. Kudos to you for going. I'll bet you reminded them of far more than you're thinking. Maybe someone left feeling cared for by you.


John said...

Wonderland: I went to high school right here in the town I still live in. This was the first reunion I had attended-having not made it to the 'where are they now?' list of the previous two. And yes, there were a couple of people that vaguely remembered me and that felt good.