Sunday, July 30, 2006

I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song...

I write songs. In my mind, not on paper. Little cheesy, schmaltzy, strange ones. No really. I have this propensity for making up really dumb songs about anything and everything that might be going on in my mind at any given moment. They're not particularly good, mostly, since I can't read or write a lick of music. Actually, they're more than likely, terrible. Did I mention that they're schmaltzy. I think I did. Anyway, I find it to be a therapeutic way to release things out of my head and heart. Oh, and then I sing them. To myself.

For instance, tonight as I was leaving my ex-wife's house after dropping off my boys, I started singing a song I'll call "If You Only Knew". I sing a different variation of it almost every time I drive away. "Whether heading east or west it matters not to me, a road that winds the least is best because it brings you straight to me..." or something like, "Even when the sky is clear my heart's a deeper blue, whenever I turn from here and drive away from you..." or, "In the windshield I love the distance, when I see you waiting in it. In the mirror I hate the distance, when I see you fading in it." I don't know that I'll ever sing these songs in front of another person (just writing them here is difficult) but, I do want my kids to know that this is a part of who I am. I mean, I'm all grown up and doing fine and I'm not a walking basket case, but there are parts of every day that make me miss them. So at the behest of several of my friends and family members I'm going to start journaling these things. Here are my questions to you: If and when you journal, how do you do it? Who are you addressing? What is your goal? (ie: future reference, creative release, mental excercise, etc.) If you don't journal, why not?

You know me. Simply curious. Or should that be...curiously simple?

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Just Me...that's all

When I started this blog I wasn't really sure why I did it other than to prove to myself that there was actually something going on in this fogged up head of mine. I don't know what you come here to read or to see, but today you're going to a little peek behind the curtain. More than just my mind, a piece of my heart. Here goes.

There's one thing I desperately, desperately want from this life. Well, they're actually two, but I'd have to put them side by side because one is completely empty without the other. To be fully known, and to be fully loved.

I use the word 'desperately' not in the sense that I would do anything to attain this want, but because it seems to be at the root of everything I do. I'm like a walking resume. Visible to all. I've got to have my shit together. If I do certain things, if I seem a certain way, if I am likable, if I'm successful, if I'm confident, or capable, or good at something, then maybe, just maybe, someone will notice. And if they notice, there's an outside chance that I'll be interesting enough that they may want to know me. And if they start to know me, who knows, maybe they'll start to love me... And that's where the dilemma begins for me. You see, the line that follows 'if they start to know me' never reads 'maybe they'll start to love me'. No. That line always reads 'if they start to know me, really know me, they'll never love me. Because I can't have both. If they love me it's only because they don't fully know me. If they know me, how can they love me?' I tend not to trust what people see in me. What do they see that I don't? What don't they see that I so clearly see?

So the curtain goes up and the little man behind it begins to find new ways to blow the smoke and project my voice and to construct new mirrors so I'll seem larger than I will ever be. I don't want you to see the scars and the broken dreams and the tears and the scared little boy whose heart aches to be loved. I want you to be confident that I've got my shit together, that I can handle it, that I'm capable and full of answers and strong and successful because after all, that's what everyone's looking for. But really... Sometimes all I really want is a hand to hold and for someone to whisper this in my ear-"I know who you are...AND I love you because of it."

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Let's Jump In!

Last week my son and I went to this creek to hike and and explore and generally just be boys. When we first reached the creek we noticed this manmade 'bridge' to a safe spot in the middle, so we carefully inched our way across, being very careful not to get wet. The water was cold after all. Cold enough to take your breath away at first. As we meandered our way up toward the waterfall at the head of this creek, we found that it was going to be impossible to navigate our way up and stay completely dry. Not that we didn't try. We would stand at a crossing point and point out ways we could possibly make it. "If we step on that little gray rock and then stretch across to that ugly dark one...." "No, no, dad. See that one just barely under the water? Step there then jump to that log and then across to that ugly dark one..." Well, it wasn't long before we abandoned our efforts to stay dry. And when I say abandoned, I mean reckless abandon. Before long we were pushing each other off rocks and finding ourselves completely submerged in freezing cold creek water. And you know what? We got a few bumps and scrapes from the rocks, but after a while the water wasn't that cold. Really. We soaked it in.

I showed my son this picture a couple of days later. He laughed and said, "Look at how careful I'm being! Remember at the beginning how much work we put into not getting wet?! That's ridiculous, the getting wet was the funnest part!" It's funny, I think, how many times I need to re-learn this life lesson for myself. How much effort I put forth into not getting wet. Not having my breath stolen from me. Wanting to stay in control. The rocks are sharp, I don't want to get hurt. The water's cold and harsh, but you know what? After a while you not only get used to it, it's refreshing. I'm jumping back in with reckless abandon, because the getting wet is truly the funnest part.

Friday, July 07, 2006


Well, it's been a while hasn't it? Yep. I know.


I promise.