When I started this blog I wasn't really sure why I did it other than to prove to myself that there was actually something going on in this fogged up head of mine. I don't know what you come here to read or to see, but today you're going to a little peek behind the curtain. More than just my mind, a piece of my heart. Here goes.
There's one thing I desperately, desperately want from this life. Well, they're actually two, but I'd have to put them side by side because one is completely empty without the other. To be fully known, and to be fully loved.
I use the word 'desperately' not in the sense that I would do anything to attain this want, but because it seems to be at the root of everything I do. I'm like a walking resume. Visible to all. I've got to have my shit together. If I do certain things, if I seem a certain way, if I am likable, if I'm successful, if I'm confident, or capable, or good at something, then maybe, just maybe, someone will notice. And if they notice, there's an outside chance that I'll be interesting enough that they may want to know me. And if they start to know me, who knows, maybe they'll start to love me... And that's where the dilemma begins for me. You see, the line that follows 'if they start to know me' never reads 'maybe they'll start to love me'. No. That line always reads 'if they start to know me, really know me, they'll never love me. Because I can't have both. If they love me it's only because they don't fully know me. If they know me, how can they love me?' I tend not to trust what people see in me. What do they see that I don't? What don't they see that I so clearly see?
So the curtain goes up and the little man behind it begins to find new ways to blow the smoke and project my voice and to construct new mirrors so I'll seem larger than I will ever be. I don't want you to see the scars and the broken dreams and the tears and the scared little boy whose heart aches to be loved. I want you to be confident that I've got my shit together, that I can handle it, that I'm capable and full of answers and strong and successful because after all, that's what everyone's looking for. But really... Sometimes all I really want is a hand to hold and for someone to whisper this in my ear-"I know who you are...AND I love you because of it."