Saturday, July 15, 2006

Just Me...that's all

When I started this blog I wasn't really sure why I did it other than to prove to myself that there was actually something going on in this fogged up head of mine. I don't know what you come here to read or to see, but today you're going to a little peek behind the curtain. More than just my mind, a piece of my heart. Here goes.

There's one thing I desperately, desperately want from this life. Well, they're actually two, but I'd have to put them side by side because one is completely empty without the other. To be fully known, and to be fully loved.

I use the word 'desperately' not in the sense that I would do anything to attain this want, but because it seems to be at the root of everything I do. I'm like a walking resume. Visible to all. I've got to have my shit together. If I do certain things, if I seem a certain way, if I am likable, if I'm successful, if I'm confident, or capable, or good at something, then maybe, just maybe, someone will notice. And if they notice, there's an outside chance that I'll be interesting enough that they may want to know me. And if they start to know me, who knows, maybe they'll start to love me... And that's where the dilemma begins for me. You see, the line that follows 'if they start to know me' never reads 'maybe they'll start to love me'. No. That line always reads 'if they start to know me, really know me, they'll never love me. Because I can't have both. If they love me it's only because they don't fully know me. If they know me, how can they love me?' I tend not to trust what people see in me. What do they see that I don't? What don't they see that I so clearly see?

So the curtain goes up and the little man behind it begins to find new ways to blow the smoke and project my voice and to construct new mirrors so I'll seem larger than I will ever be. I don't want you to see the scars and the broken dreams and the tears and the scared little boy whose heart aches to be loved. I want you to be confident that I've got my shit together, that I can handle it, that I'm capable and full of answers and strong and successful because after all, that's what everyone's looking for. But really... Sometimes all I really want is a hand to hold and for someone to whisper this in my ear-"I know who you are...AND I love you because of it."

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

whispered "....and have for years".

Mark

work in progress said...

JOHN! That post was very moving, and must have taken a lot of strength to write. I believe that all apparently confident people have a little girl or boy behind the curtain blowing smoke. Different periods of life require more smoke than others, but NONE of us can be self-assured and confident all of the time. I only know you from your blog and your comments on Steph's (and mine), so I don't want to sound trite. However, I HIGHLY doubt your theory that no one who knows you will love you. NOBODY has all the answers, and anyone who loves you would understand that, no matter how much you want it to be the case. And, aching to be loved makes you more appealing. If you didn't want to be loved, who would want to bother?

Does Mark have someone in mind perhaps?

Steph said...

I know who you are...AND I love you because of it. Truly.

But I know, as you do, that it needs to be said by the right person, and with the right kind of love. We know each other well enough to know we both feel this way.

But as far as someone not loving you if they really know you...well don't make me pull this car over. You are one of the most beautiful human beings I have ever known. Your heart is amazing in it's ability to love, as my entire family has the pleasure of experiencing.

Who knows why? Who knows why when we think we're so ready to find someone, we don't. Maybe the person God has for you is not quite ready. I just don't know.

This is a conversation we need to have soon. And not on-line.

Anonymous said...

John, Do you ever feel rebuked or corrected in your blog? Does this free you to write your heart or to edit yourself to minimize or control outside edits. Do you feel like you have made a mistake or misspoken you heart once all the comments are in?

Clearly, unlike Being John Malcavitch, I am not "in" your head or heart. We have talked for hours about our shadows. However, after seeing enough of my shadows to darken Texas for a year you still offer friendship. i would say still in a whispered tone...Your shadows don't scare me and I love you, not so much because of them, but just because they make you who you are. Often our shadows tell us more about ourselves than the stuff we bring into the light.

Q: Do I know you?
A: Mostly, I think.

Q: do I love you?
A: Sometimes well and often not so well I'm sure....but I want to.

Q: are you worthy of love?
A: YES! Don't make me pull this blog over!

Mark

Anonymous said...

John,

CALL STEPH NOW!

Mark

gumbee said...

John, I don't know you and this post is the only post I've read in your blog, but I have to say it is one of the most moving posts I've read on a blog in a VERY long time. You are so upfront and honest here. It takes a lot of inner strength to come out and tell the world that you're afraid of letting someone know who you really are and hoping they'll love you because of it. My thought is that they'll love you all the more for it.

Tar Heel Tom said...

Hi John, The conflict you're experiencing sounds very familiar. I think most of us feel like we need to be something "more" than we are. Or somehow different & then we'd be "better". More loveable, attractive, interesting etc. Yet thats where the conflict comes in. We know we can't be more, or shouldn't be more, or can't maintain it the ruse for very long. I believe it's the nature or humans (especially males).
Only in the last 2-3 years have I become comfortable with who I am & accept the shortcomings. It's a incredible release not to feel I have to "be somebody else".
All I can say is just accept who you are and BE COMFORTABLE WITH IT. The weight off your shoulders is so "freeing". The inner peace that comes with it is probably the feeling you're seeking anyway. True confidence will come from knowing and being comfortable with who you are, not trying to be something else.
Everytime you climb a mountain it's a great experience, high above the world below, "on top of the world". Problem is, you can't stay there. You always have to come back to "reality".
Like the other comments that have been made, all I can say is your absolutley one of the best person's I know. Believe what has been written about you and accept who you are. The release from inner turmoil is life changing.