Sunday, April 17, 2011

Sun Day (a few days delayed)

I've been rather industrious this Sunday morning. I got up early-ish (for a Sunday) and have, so far, done three loads of laundry, washed and vacuumed my truck, and raked the fallen pine cone bits that the tree in my backyard continues to shed. Did I mention that I first had two cups of coffee?

If you know me at all--even if only by your reading here--you know that I do my best thinking when engaged in these kinds of work. So this morning I thought about these things, amongst many others.

I really don't like it when people say, "I have no regrets". To me, these are people who either haven't lived or are lying to themselves. Now, of course, I don't suggest that a person spends much time in a state of regret (I hear it's bigger than Alaska), but to imply that there is no room for it suggests that I have done everything right--always. I've done things I regret. I've said things I regret. Circumstances have handed me things which I regret. I have handed circumstances things that I regret. These are some of the very reasons I love Christ. He forgives me, even for things that I regret.

While I realize that hell is a real, physical place where weeping and waling and gnashing of teeth will prevail, I also know that the physical pain will only be the minor part of the torment. Where the real torture will occur, I believe, is in the mind and heart. Imagine being reminded constantly of all the times you rejected the message of God's love. Imagine the feeling inside of realizing that your sins are not forgiven. And they could have been. Imagine not having one more last chance to love. THAT is hell.

No two are ever the same...even for a second. They rise from the ocean or the river or the field or the grass in your yard. They are directionless except for the wind's prevailing guidance. They form exclusively to fall again. They are cursed in the winter, praised in the summer. And vice-versa, depending on whom or what they cover. They are transient gifts from God himself. Thank Him for clouds for without them we would surely die.

Thursday, April 07, 2011

I wake up each morning into a life of broken pieces. I guess that's why I've started to like sleeping. Maybe it's because I know that I will not be completely and fully satisfied while awake. Sleep is another state of consciousness altogether. In that state of consciousness all is well in my world. There isn't the slightest knowledge of how lonesome I am or how seemingly plain and uninteresting I am, there is just a warm, restfulness.

I also know that this is not how I'm supposed to feel. As a believer in, and follower of Christ I'm supposed to feel fulfilled and content, but sometimes that just sounds like the Sunday School answer, to me.

My life will never be what I once thought and wanted it to be. Doing something different or adding another somebody to the equation doesn't get you over or through it. You don't just get over being divorced...any more than you 'get over' being a man. Both are states of humanity that only heaven will fix.