Thursday, April 07, 2011

I wake up each morning into a life of broken pieces. I guess that's why I've started to like sleeping. Maybe it's because I know that I will not be completely and fully satisfied while awake. Sleep is another state of consciousness altogether. In that state of consciousness all is well in my world. There isn't the slightest knowledge of how lonesome I am or how seemingly plain and uninteresting I am, there is just a warm, restfulness.

I also know that this is not how I'm supposed to feel. As a believer in, and follower of Christ I'm supposed to feel fulfilled and content, but sometimes that just sounds like the Sunday School answer, to me.

My life will never be what I once thought and wanted it to be. Doing something different or adding another somebody to the equation doesn't get you over or through it. You don't just get over being divorced...any more than you 'get over' being a man. Both are states of humanity that only heaven will fix.

4 comments:

Ame said...

i understand. sleep is a gift.

i disagree that you are uninteristing ... quite the contrary; you are extremely interesting and intelligent and attractive on multiple levels.

'fulfulled and content' ARE the sunday school answers; they are not reality.

you're right; change doesn't get you over or through it. you never get over being divorced ... and i like the analogy "any more than you 'get over' being a man. Both are states of humanity that only heaven will fix."

however, i will say, it is nice not to be alone ... and not to be alone with someone who is good and kind and caring and gentle and loving. it's still hard; it's not a 'solution' to divorce. but if i have to do 'hard,' i'm thankful to do it with someone who cares and lifts me up. may you find the same someday; you certainly deserve it ... and she deserves not to have to live w/out you.

Lori said...

I don't think we're ever supposed to get over a divorce or the pain that accompanies it, but through it we learn and hopefully, grow into a better version of ourselves. I wish I had the one magically answer, John...for you, me, all of us who hurt. But despite it all, I still hope and believe and love. I know that underneath all the painful parts, you do too.

zocy said...
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