Monday, March 14, 2011

Occasionally, I have brief moments of real clarity in regards to what causes the pain I feel in my heart.

For as long as I have been divorced I have felt an ache every time I part with my children. Now, that seems like a 'duh' thing to say, but really, it happens EVERY time we part--the ache. While there are many aspects to the pain of separation, the one I think I've just put my finger on is different from the others. You see, from the moment I drive one direction and my kids drive the other, I realize that I will have no unsolicited moments with them. Our communication is essentially stripped down from what most consider normal spontaneity to some form of 'you speak then I'll speak' communication. A phone call, an email or even a text message tag session does not allow for a long silent break while staring into the fire. They are all somewhat forced styles of communication with a petitioner and a respondent. It isn't really dialog, it's more like two monologues.

Tonight I had dinner with my boys and when they got into their truck and I got into mine it hit me as they continued their banter and I discontinued mine. What is also difficult about our going separate ways is the fact that two (or three or more) days full of life and moments and stories and seemingly meaningless funny things will happen to them and to me that will go unspoken the next time we meet. Oh, we'll hit the highlights I'm sure, but the best parts of life are rarely the things we typically call the highlights.

As I sit here writing this it is very quiet all around me save for the sound of the fire in the woodstove. What I wouldn't do to share this silence with my kids.

6 comments:

John said...

I just re-read this and found myself saying, "brother, I sound like a whiner". I don't like sounding like I'm whining, I just want to be honest with the thoughts that wander between my ears.

Cheryl said...

You don't sound like a whiner--you sound like you're working through emotions as you write. I know that for me, even though my son spends most of his time with me, there's the constant separation process that happens as a natural part of his growing up. It's hard, this letting go thing.

Jeanne said...

It sounds like your blog is helping you to work through your feelings. I was a product of divorce except my father divorced his kids along with his wife. I don't even know if he is still alive. I also was divorced. I think some of what you have written may help me to understand my ex, their dad, because sometimes these feelings you share are not apparent to me in him. I know he cares, but it is obvious you care. What a wonderful dad. Keep on keeping on. It will make them better adults in their relationships. You've presented a wonderful role model. So glad I ran into your blog.

Lori said...

This post reminds me so much of a poem called, "Companionship" by Anne Campbell. Though it is spoken more about a couple, it easily translates here.
I understand this feeling, and even though my children are now 21 and 19 and 'flying from the nest' is what they're supposed to do, this mother bird watches them go each time with a song on her lips....but with that little ache in her heart.

zocy said...
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