Schmuck Theology

I think about God a lot. Some of my own preconceived notions and theologies of Him bug me. I don't want to be 'a Christian', I want to be like Jesus. It seems to me that too many Christians carry their beliefs in their back pocket like a 'get out of hell free' card and follow each other around like so many lost sheep. I don't want to be judgmental of my fellow strugglers, but so many of them don't really seem to want to struggle. They want pat answers to spout off in any given situation, not a relationship with a sometimes strange, seemingly inconsistent God. A God who says He loves them and yet says little else for what seems like eons. In my opinion God never changes. He is always hard for us to understand. Does that mean I should just give up?

Relationships are by their very nature difficult, are they not? I'll answer that for you...YES THEY ARE!! I will sometimes stand in front of the mirror and ask that guy who's staring back at me questions for which he has no answers. I frustrate me. Do I give up on me? Sometimes. But I always come back and revisit the hard questions; questions that may or may not ever get answered. So you see, even my relationship with myself is difficult. I'm so far from perfect that it's laughable. No, literally...laughable. I laugh at how empty all my so called efforts are. God doesn't love me because of the good things I do or how few bad things I do. God loves me because He IS Love, He can't not love me. It the kindness of that love that makes me want to love Him back.

I tire of people saying, "Hey, we all make mistakes", as if the times we make God sad (and yes, I do believe God is saddened by our behavior, both overt and covert) are all mistakes. Not so, I say. I not only make mistakes, I do things on purpose that sadden God. Are you kidding me?? Every dang day I waste precious time complaining about my poor, sad self. I think of myself as better than others. I am judgmental toward others. I only forgive people who do things I understand. To put it succinctly, I am proud and stupid and selfish and full of fear. Why else would I need a savior? I'm just like every other schmuck.

This story is not over yet, this is just the beginning of the beginning. While at times I am the king of schmuckdom, I will one day be a Prince in the new kingdom and that will be the beginning of the never-ending.