Tuesday, January 05, 2010

I'm Jealous

If you know anything about me you know that I write a good deal about my kids and how I miss them. I tend to write when I am melancholy, and when I am missing my kids I tend to be that way. I'm not sure which condition causes which, but they seem to be in close proximity most times. But not so today; Today it was matter-of-fact missing.

Today a thought floated through that I hadn't noticed before. I wondered what normal would have looked like had our divorce never happened. Of course it's impossible to know, but wondering isn't such a bad thing, I guess.

What first triggered the wondering was a thought of my son--who is on his way back to school with his step-dad. He had mentioned to me last night as he was leaving that they might stop at the pass to snowboard/ski for awhile if the weather allowed. As I thought of him today I wondered if indeed they got the weather they were wanting...and I was jealous. By virtue of marrying their mother this man gets more time with my kids than I do. And that thought hyphenated into this one: he gets more time and has greater opportunity to impact than I do. It seems that in my heart I am in a competition for the hearts of my own children. It might not be true, but in the deep parts of me it sure feels like it is. Had we never gotten divorced, I wonder if I would have ever realized how badly I want my kids; How badly I want their hearts. Would I ever have been jealous of another spending time with them?

In the Bible it says that God is a jealous God. This always puzzled me as a kid. Why would he be jealous? He is obviously the Father of all, what or who could he be jealous of? I'm beginning to understand. I think God is jealous of the time we spend away from him. I think he's jealous of the way it was meant to be; of how good it could have been; of how it was before he felt like he was in competition for our hearts. I am made in the image of God. I am jealous, too.


Cheryl said...

So good, John. I think any divorced parent gets this. While my ex is not remarried, I feel a certain sense of panic whenever there's a new girlfriend on the scene, especially if I know my son likes her. Such mixed emotions--maybe she'll help my son feel better at Dad's, but what if... And holidays, wow. They're just rough when he's not with me.

Your analogy of God as a jealous God is brilliant. I'd never thought of it before, and it certainly puts my relationship with him and any wanderings/doubts, etc. I may have had over the years in a different light. Wow. Thank you for that. I often think that God lets us go through our difficulties in life because we have things to learn, things that will make us better. This is a perfect example, at least for me.

Thank you for this, John. Your thoughts here have affected me in ways I could never explain.

Lori said...

This touches me on two different sides: feeling this when my kids are away from me, though that isn't often at the moment...and knowing that their father probably has these same feelings from time to time about my husband. I think that affects me more deeply: knowing that he must hurt at times because I could not longer be married to him. And that....hurts me.