Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Away Is Where I've Been

Well it's been a while hasn't it? Yeah, I've been away, both figuratively and literally.

I had two weeks of vacation in November which I spent in California and Kauai. The first week it was just me visiting friends and family in Ca. and the second week my kids and I spent in Hawaii. That seems like eons ago. There was sunshine and laughter and fun and being together...all of which are very close to the top of the list of my all time favorite things. The time spent with my kids was starting to feel like finally we were reconnecting a bit. I was loving it and feeling really encouraged. But as quickly as it began, it ended. Since I dropped them off at their mom's on Nov. 26, I have not seen my daughter (she's back at school), I've seen my 15 year old for ONE half hour, and my 13 year old I've seen for one full day all tolled.

This living from the heart takes it's toll. I could sit here and tell you that I'm used to it; That, over the cousre of the past 8 1/2 years I've learned to deal with it; That, oh sure it hurts, but I've grown a callous on that part of my soul and I'll be just fine; That if I've found that busyness and having clear life goals and continuing towards those has been a source of healing; But those would all be lies. The fact is, that just this morning I stopped just before I left my house, there in the entryway where the pictures of my three babies hang, and kissed my index finger and touched a picture of their faces and tried hard not to cry because, today?... That's the extent of our interaction. That hurts my heart.

So. If I'm going to continue living with this heart, I'm going to let it show a little instead of hiding and quit trying so hard to 'just get over it'. I know many, many people with bruises on their heart that I want as my friends so I'm going to give them my broken heart so we at least have that in common.

What about you? Where have you been hiding?


Anonymous said...

Is pleasure the opposite of pain? If you gotta live somewhere, where better than the heart? Anywhere else would be callous, blind, fake, unsure, anonymous, surface, and just plain ol' hiding. Don't you just feel it though, life from the heart produces strong feelings, but when you're AWARE of your heart how else can one live? Thanks.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for posting again John. Time for a beer eh? I'm glad you are back and writing.


Ame said...

Do you mind if I ask you a question?

My ex moved 45 minutes away when he moved out - his choice. It's closer to work; farther from his kids. He has the maximum amount of time detailed in the decree that he can see the kids, and I let him see them anytime he wants to, but he only sees them for 38 hours every other week. He picks them up Friday at dinner time and drops them off Sunday morning at 9am - then he goes to his church and his singles group and out to eat and watch football.

Do you see your kids as often as "allowed?" If not, is it your choice? Would you see them more if you could?

I'm just wonderin ... if he's truly just a jerk, or if it's too painful? I don't know. It just doesn't make sense to me. Our kids really miss him, too.

Thanks, Ame