Sunday, September 16, 2012

There are times when I have to challenge myself to overcome my sense of complacency. Is complacency a sense or a chosen state of being? Who knows. What I do know is that it isn't a good place for me.

My daughter and her husband live in Texas now and my sons are off at college clear across the state. While I didn't think it was possible, I am in a whole new level of alone. Now, lest you think I'm telling you this for sympathy, I must clarify that I am not. I'm am merely stating it as a matter of fact. Until everyone was gone there was always a chance that some level of interaction beyond a phone call or text message was possible. We'd meet for dinner, they would stop by to hang out, you know, sort of normal living. When they left, the possibility left. I must admit, I thought I was going to be okay with it. After all, I've been alone for 14 years. It is what I've done. But now I'm an empty nester. Not an empty nester, mind you, with someone staring at me from across the table asking, "who are you?", but one who has to ask the question of myself. And I'm not okay with that, because I can tell myself to shut up without much repercussion. This is where the complacency comes in. I can either do the hard work of answering the question or I can just see where this new level of alone leads me. I'm not sure I have the energy or endurance for either.

Maybe the first step outside of complacency is to sit here and write about it. Maybe.