Sunday, August 30, 2009

Does this ever happen to you?

You have the best day you've had in a long time and your heart is seemingly full to capacity with relational joy and a well rounded feeling settles in your soul. And then night falls and there's no one else in the room to share it with.

It happens to me.

Thursday, August 27, 2009


The spinning wind bends the trees to a point where the undersides of leaves are showing.

The morning sun is less than direct in it's approach, but warm nonetheless.

Sparrows, robins and swallows all flit and fly in fractal patterns that my eyes translate into beautiful confusion.

There are dry and crunchy leaves skidding down the sidewalk to who knows where.

Life travels forward and back in this musical breeze and the sound it makes rivals any movement or symphony ever played by man.

Summer is slipping away slowly and autumn is overlapping the imaginary boundary of seasons.

Such are the seasonings of life.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Thought Bubbles (popped and otherwise)

I've had several thoughts lately. I know, hard to believe, but they're the kind of thoughts that I have a hard time putting my finger on. But that's usually the case, isn't it? Who's ever heard of thoughts with finger prints on them? Not I.

Anyhoo, here are a couple of brief glimpses into those thought bubbles that float over my head that start with 'F'.

Feelings. Why is that some of them seem to be controllable and others not so much? For instance the feeling of resentment or envy, if you will--not that they're interchangeable, but seem to be close relatives--why is it that I can talk myself out of them almost at will while others--such as affection, for example--seem to have a life of their own? Is it because some feelings are not really feelings at all, but merely thoughts that I attach feelings to? Or maybe it's the other way around. Maybe it's ALL in my mind and I think I want there to be feelings. Maybe my mind is more in charge than I think it is, or want it to be. I know that you can't simply think something without your heart being involved anymore than you can will your heart to stop beating. They both play a part in these things. It would be ridiculous to live by strictly one or the other. You can't live if you're headless and you're already dead if you're heartless.

Forgiveness. I don't know if I've written this before, but I'm positive I've thought it: Forgiveness is for givin' and forgetfulness is for gettin'. In other words, forgiveness is the act of the one giving it despite whether it's received or not. Forgetfulness is what you want to get when you're the one who has wronged. I guess what I'm saying is, as a person who has wronged another person I often times want forgiveness AND forgetfulness when in reality I should just be satistfied with the forgiveness since it is a what has been given. After all, I usually only forget things that are unimportant to me, why do I expect anything else from others? Only God can do both!!

Fat. I'm getting fat sitting around at this computer. I'm going to go excercise!!


Sunday, August 16, 2009

This Leaving Thing

I thought by now I'd be used to this; this leaving thing.

I'd walk them to the front door of the kindergarten class, hug them and tell them everything is going to be okay, wave at them one last time through the window in the door and then walk away. And cry.

On that first day of first grade I'd walk them to the bus stop , squeeze them tight as the bus rolled up, and then watch as it rolled away. And I'd cry all the way back to the house.

When it came time for high school the reassurances were less needed (or at least publicly so) but the drill hadn't seemed to change, even though I thought it should have. The minute the car door closed and I was out of their sight I would cry.

It's not that I didn't know that my part in the story was to raise my children to let them go, it was those spaces between the big chapters; those Sunday nights driving home alone after dropping them back at their mother's house. I thought I had already done my crying. I thought I would have become familiar with this pain. But I was wrong.

Friday night my boy and I hugged in the yard in front of my house, he got in his truck and drove away with a wave and a honk on his way to school on the other side of the state. I went inside and cried.

It's a pain I don't suppose I'll ever get used to.

Monday, August 03, 2009

It Never Goes The Way You Want It To

I have had the strangest summer!

On the 16th of June, after having dinner at Carino's with my kids, I hugged them one by one and said goodbye just like I do almost every Tuesday and Thursday in a parking lot somewhere nearby. But this time was different. I would not see them again for forty-nine days. They were off to Maui and then on to Guam for what was supposed to be a working vacation. As it turned out, there wasn't much working, but plenty of vacation. But I digress. I kissed them and hugged them a little extra hard.

I had a couple of projects lined up for myself to keep me occupied. Or, more accurately, to keep me from being preoccupied in missing them. I wanted to put in some sort of patio with either pavers or bricks on the backside of my house. And I wanted to paint several walls in my living room/dining room area. I got started on both projects. I cleared out all the growth of weeds and such in the planned patio area and I took down all my wall hangings and got the walls ready for paint... and then the Fourth of July came.

I wanted to start riding my mountain bike this summer so I hopped on it the morning of the Fourth and noticed the tires needed air. So I rode it down the big hill to the gas station. Remember, it was the morning of the Fourth so there wasn't a car on the road, which means of course, that I hit the light at the bottom of the speedy hill green. When I got to the gas station I had to make an immediate right hand turn, and since I was going pretty fast AND had under-inflated tires my bike went left and I (without my bike) went right...onto the pavement. Was I wearing a helmet? Did I grow up in the 'wear your helmet' era? Of course not silly! So...I broke my collar bone, cracked two ribs and had a couple of pretty nasty hunks of meat missing from my knee.

So now not only do I not have my kids, but now instead of having a time of real productivity, I'm lame. Which is lame. And on top of that? It's been the hottest summer since they've recorded such things around here. I can't work. I can't play. I can't get anything done. And my three favorite people are somewhere around the back side of the globe. Yippee. (dripping with sarcasm)

What I found out, though, was that I have some of the greatest friends and family a guy could ask for. My brothers and sisters, my mom and my ex-in-laws, my local friends and far away ones all cared for and about me in many, many ways. I got phone calls galore. I got meals delivered. I got cookies and cards from friends I've never met personally. I even had friends from my route (over an hour's drive away) 'stop by' to help me pull weeds and vacuum and rearrange furniture to get my house in shape as I was expecting a friend to come visit. Just two days ago I got a care package from a whole slew of people on my route who got together and sent me some funny gag items as well a page and a half full of handwritten well wishes. And even though my ribs hurt from the laughing, it didn't matter. Back behind those ribs there was a heart that didn't seem to notice.

So you see, life doesn't ever go the way you want it goes even better than that!!

I have had the coolest summer!